Wednesday, September 29, 2010


Peace Family!

I don't have children. That's not surpising. Though folks act like it's a modern wonder of the world that a Black woman at my age does not have children. There are several reasons why I don't have them. For a long time I didn't want them. I wanted a career more. When I thought I might, my 1st husband died. And again, over the years my desire came and went. Right now I'm on a "come", but that doesn't really say much. I could be on a "went" tomorrow. B.U.T. The MAIN reason I don't have children is due to "Baby Mama Drama" or BMD.

Y'all know the statistic.... More than 70% of Black children in this country are born illegitimate. I'm not judging. It is what it is. I don't see the value in legitamacy. It's just something that white folks and boojie Black folks came up with to separate us. He wants us to think we are all different. But what is applicable to me, is single men, the age that I'd prefer to date, will more than likely have children. There lies the problem.

I have seen/experienced all levels of BMD. Women have unresolved emotions for their children's fathers. And this is to be expected. Biologically that is one of the evolutionary processes. Women want 1 man to satisfy all their needs and men want to satisify one need for all women. I get it, but that leaves problems in its wake. Woman get mad when a man moves on. Now I've never been certain why. Is she upset that he no longer wants to be in a relationship with her? Is it because said man is no longer supporting his seed? Is it some weird competition? I have no idea. I just know I don't want to be part of the equation.

Men do this too. They may not want to be in a relationship with the mother of their children, but they also don't want any man to be in authority over their children. There is a scientific reason for a man's concern as well. In nature, when an alpha male is displaced from his family, the new alpha man kills all the babies so that the females go into heat and then the new alpha can load them up with his babies. Why should he protect the seed of another man? Not saying all men do this (I hate having to qualify myself for blogging purposes.... Yeesh! Y'all knew I wasn't talking about every man in every situation... Damn!), but it happens.

My parents were separated before they conceived me. The official version of the story I got was, My Dad bought my Mom a washer/dryer for Valentines day in 1970, and she was .... grateful. I rolled in 9 months later. They never did get back together. So BMD was my reality.

Both my parents moved on to other relationships, but women move with the children. So Mommies's men all had children but they weren't around. And Daddy's women had children that he parented. Makes sense when you stand back and look at it. Not so much when it's swirling around you. My mother was so deep in my father's ass she could taste what he ate for lunch. ANYTHING he gave to these other children had to be given to me, and given 1st or there was gonna be hell to pay; for both of us... Daddy and me.

I remember Daddy giving me a white fur jacket with the hat and muff. I had wanted one of those for a long time. Even petitioned him for one. I suppose he thought it was a good gift for a daughter. The problem is he was living with a woman with a daughter and had psuedo-adopted another daughter. So he bought one for all of us. His life was just that he saw them before he saw me. So they got their coats before I got mine. That didn't go over with my mother. She yelled at me for 3 hours telling me how I had no respect for myself for accepting a 2nd-handed gift (it was a new coat, not a used one), and made me walk to my father's office and return said coat. That is just one example of many form my own life.

I have heard mothers tell their children, "That woman is not your mother. You don't have to listen to her." I beg to differ. Let's be real, when men have their children, it's really a pass off to the closest willing woman. His mother, his sister, or girlfriend. A child needs to listen to adults in charge. If the girlfriend says stay away from the road and the child says, "Your not my mother" runs into the road and gets hit by a garbage truck, then the girlfriend will be forever the devil. You will expect who ever is in care of that child to lay down their lives for said child, but you tell the child they don't have to listen to them? Really?

My big problem with BMD, is no one consider how the child feels. I felt terrible. I was always caught in the middle of some foolishness. Daddy mad because another man is in the house with us. Not really living, more visiting... you know. An my mother is mad that some other woman is answering his phone and is chaperoning our class trips because Daddy couldn't make it at the last minute. And who gets punished for all this? I did. I don't ever want a child to go through that because of me.

Do you know what also made it uncomfortable? I always liked these "step-parents." They were really very nice, almost loving to me. I liked them a lot. No two people parnts the exact same way. I could have gotten the best from a plethora of parenting styles. But liking them was somehow disloyal to the other parent.

So..... Because of this, I refuse to date men with children.

Folks will say I'm limiting myself. OK. So what? Every one has their own personal limits. You got yours and I have mine. It kills me when women say it. Only single women with kids say this to me. That's because they are scared that men will do the same That decreses the pool of available men for them. When men complain, it's because they have children and want to date me. Either way, that's their problem and not mine. And... I don't have a problem finding men to meet my qualifications. The God is Culture Wisdom years old and doesn't have children.

So what should happen if I have chikdren then something happened to the God and I found myself single again? Would I or would I not date? Let me just tell you if that happens, invest in battery companies. Their stock will shoot through the roof!


PS: An apology to my Moms for putting her business on blast!


Flying Mermaid said...

Wow, I've heard so much about both your parents, but never knew they were separated before you were even born. Everything you've described not only makes a lot of sense, but explains things about you.

It also makes me feel better about you not having children of your own. I know you've wanted babies, but didn't know you were also conflicted.

I think you're right, that there are probably more bad/uncomfortable/tragic versions of this for the kids than not, and I am so thankful that I got to be involved in such a blessed version.

It was my stepson who built me my castle, and this, 20 years after his father died. Not only that, but HIS stepfather also worked on my place a lot -- in all the way from Vermont -- and when his mother's mother died, not too long after mine did, I went up to take care of her and help plan the memorial.

It's all love, but I know how rare that is.....