Thursday, March 28, 2013

Mr. & Mrs. Stewart

Peace Y’all,

I’m probably “outing” myself, but I am a BIG fan of the Real Housewives of Atlanta. I love to see Black women with money doing it big. For so long, the media acted like Rich Black folks didn’t exist. The Huxtables were comfortable though practical. They weren’t foolish rich and moneyed. RHOA gives us this. I like it even more now that Kim is off the show. All the other RH franchises showcase rich and foolish white people. Now I get to see the Equality, and that isn’t common for the devil.

One of the characters on this season is Porsha. Porsha is a young, newly married socialite. She married a man more than a decade older than she. (Another thing I like about the RHOA franchise is all the Original people are coupled with Original people) When a man marries a woman that much younger than himself, he is (a) upgrading, (b) controlling or (c) small membered. Everyone is in a tizzy because her husband is controlling. This is the part I don’t appreciate.

So the fuck her husband is controlling! He is the sole bread winner in that household. And he allows her to do as she wants for the most part. Maybe these people have never been married. When you are married, it’s about give and take. Here is an example:

When I was 1st legally married, my husband said that nothing in his life would change except his address. He was accustomed to receiving phone calls late at night from women. I told certain habits were inappropriate for a married man. On a scale from 1-10 with 10 being Very concerned, I felt like a 1.5. I wasn’t concerned about him. He was devoted to me. But them heifers who thought they could disrespect my bedroom… because that’s where he would take the calls…. Had to be checked. He didn’t take my word for it, because he was trying to be that boss man. And he didn’t want to take his family’s opinion of the situation, because he still wanted to appear to be in charge. One of my male friends said he would take car of it and he did. Afterward, we had a conversation and he agreed to make concessions as I did. That’s what it means to be in a relationship

I think the reason why people are so offended regarding the Rorsha/Kordell dynamic is it’s not a common one that we see in our community. Every-damn-person thinks that Black women are super strong 150% of the time. That we are heartless, fearless and enjoy working 15 jobs. They find us bossy, domineering and reluctant to bend to the will of a man. I’m not making this up. Those are the reasons Black men give for dating white women over Black ones. They don’t like our attitudes or we aren’t docile enough. But then a Black woman who acquiesces to her husband’s wishes gets screamed on for being weak? Emphatically Now Cipher!

I am picky about the men I share my life with. I didn’t date men with children; and I didn’t date men who weren’t raised in a 2 parent household. It was hard, but it worked for me. It is my contention that men who didn’t witness a male/female dynamic longterm don’t know what their role is in a household. They don’t’ know how to be flexible. They either come on too hard or they expect their wives to be their mothers. I didn’t start off with these rules but developed them as I went on. And I’m happiest in relationships that I don’t halfstep on my qualifications.

My 1st husband (parent’s married 60 years) gave me the option of working. Think about the previous sentence. I had the OPTION of working or not. When I didn’t work, by choice or situation, all our bills got paid. I had regular hair and nail appointments. You know who was pissed at that? Other women who didn’t have that option. And they weren’t quiet about it either. They constantly asked me how I could let a man control me. He didn’t control me. He controlled the money. And let’s be real, s/he who makes the money is the one who has the final say about how it’s dispersed. When he got home at night, dinner was ready, the house was clean, I had my pearls on and we had a nice evening. This is the case with Porsha and Kordell.

One of the issues on the show was her not wanting to go to a strip club. To be perfectly honest, I wonder why any woman wants to go to a strip club. Unless a porn star I like is performing, I can see titties and ass at will. I wouldn’t want someone shaking body parts that discharge on me in my good clothes. Even gynecologists wear smocks. I suspect Porsha just didn’t want to go and used her husband as a scapegoat. She spent his money all willy nilly at the furniture store without calling in. All those chicks are mad because their men cannot support them in the way they have become accustomed to without their income. Kandi isn’t married but has the responsibility of caring for her daughter (and you don’t EVER see the baby daddy), Cynthia’s husband assed up all her money the 1st season she was on the show with a failed bar venture and is just all around undependable, Apollo is an ex-convict and I have yet so really understand what is job description is, Greg is unemployed living off NeNe, and Kendra ain’t got no man. All them other women HAVE to work. Bunch of Haters.

Porsha is also being judged because she can’t have company when he isn’t there. That is kind of ridiculous. Porsha is a pretty girl who is appears to be ditzy and very sheltered. Seriously, does she strike you as a woman who has ever been in a fight? Maybe Kordell is worried for his wife’s safety. She doesn’t seem bright enough to recognize when some is in your home making plans to rob you later. He is a rich man who can afford a ransom. Again, I ain’t mad at him.

It has been my experience, that no one can have it all. When you spread yourself thin, you miss out on things. My mother worked when I came along. She didn’t go back to work with my older brother until he went to school then she just kept on working. She missed things with me. My first words, me walking, the loss of my 1st tooth and so forth. She says that bothered her. That she didn’t know me as well as she knew my brother. But times were different when I came along vs. when my brother was born. I was a hot mess as a child. I got kicked out of nursery schools for fighting the teacher and would run away from a babysitter I didn’t like. But she made a choice to work and not stay home, so part of the blame for my foolishness is hers. Back then you parents could whip your ass anywhere and any way they chose. And folks would hold you down while you mother took a break. So Kordell speaking that truth to his wife is not only ok but required.

And my last, but most important point…. It ain’t nobody’s business how you get down in YOUR relationship but you and your mate. That’s it. I don’t have a lot of women friends. I don’t have a lot of men friends either. But as soon as a woman makes a comment about my man, I shut them down hard and fast. They need to learn that we have boundaries in our friendship. My man is a big one that I don’t play with. I don’t trust women like that. In my youth I have had the experience of complaining about my man to a female ‘friend’ and she went back and made it seem worse and more of a betrayal than it was. Since she had personal details my ex didn’t believe me. Valuable lesson learned. I don’t complain to family either. Once family starts hating your man, they have long memories. I have a cousin who is married to man we can’t stand. We can only see the obvious (infidelities, assholiness, etc) but she loves him, so what can we say. She has never confirmed or denied what we think he’s done. She smiles, so we smile back. And that is how it’s supposed to be.

Mind your business will teach you how to keep your own confidences!


Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Killing It in April!


I am back at the challenges again and again I am back onto my appearance. I can’t let this go…

I have a coworker… who I strongly dislike… But I would shout if something foul was about to happen to her (I have another whom I wouldn’t). But she used to truly dislike me for no good reason. And that no good reason in particular was, “She think she cute!” Ebonics and all. Now… I don’t think I’m cute. I know it. I am a “Scriven” after all. B.U.T. She doesn’t hate me as much anymore. She has even started to speak! Imagine my surprise. I heard her talking and she was basically saying that I have been slipping in my game since I joined the cult. REALLY?

I must admit, parts of my game have slipped a bit since I came into KOS and started taking on lessons. I started wrapping my head and observing 3/4ths. That isn’t the issue so much for me, because I am well aware that one can be modest yet look really good. Contrary to popular belief, I’m a girly girl. One of the things I have been going back and forth with is makeup. When I 1st went under instruction, the male educator I had said absolutely NO makeup, ever! Now… he is a man. He doesn’t really get the what’s, how’s and why’s of makeup. Nor should he. Also, I have a lot of allergies and I develop new ones every day. I started to develop an allergy to my makeup at the same time I started my lessons. When I took the break, my skin relaxed so I didn’t go back to it with full force; a little lip gloss here and there and even that can cause a reaction. And I haven’t had a raise since…. 2 reviews, no raise. If I was fucking up that bad I’d have been fired. And my boss mentioned my lack of makeup at both reviews.

I swear I see more Earths wear make up than don’t. Not saying that Earths can’t. I just don’t think that it is something that we should do the way it is portrayed in the media. We have no business wearing it to look like Nikki Minaj or a drag queen. That makes us look other than self. But refinement is about putting your best foot forward. And, no matter how you feel about this, there are times when it is appropriate. Plus, I’m in my Culture Ciphers. I admit that I need some help. I just can’t wake up and fall out of bed looking like spring. Without makeup, I look tired. And constantly looking that way makes you appear old. They say “Black don’t Crack” But it does. I have never had an acne problem. I have eczema which is extreme dry skin, so my skin doesn’t have the oil in it that people with acne have. So I can see stages of pre-cracking.

I cannot tell you the last store-bought garment I bought. I really can’t. I make my own clothes and that doesn’t at all bother me. Though I don’t really want folks to know. It’s a hobby I enjoy and it’s useful. But it’s personal unless you want me to make something for you. Then it’s business. That needs to change to a small extent. When I make clothes, I strive to not get that “Beck-Home-Eccy” look. I peruse blogs and websites, but not stores. That needs to change. I need to go out a bit more and buy a few more items. I’m never striving for that low budget look. And I don’t think that’s what I get, but really. I need to do better.

My late husband used to be an intense fashion plate. I recognized that when I was with him I had to step up my game so we looked right together. It’s one thing if a man is a pig and the woman is super duper fly; but it’s a problem the other way around. He used to say that he had no problem being the most overdressed person in the room. He used to think I was the most slovenly female because I owned 10 pairs of jeans and 3 pairs of sneakers. He owned 1 pair of jeans… that I bought for him… that used to cut the grass. His sneakers came from the gas station. He only used them to cut the grass as well. I came up, but I suppose I have slipped in the years since his death.

Precise is a guy. A guy raised with a bunch of men and his mother. No sisters to soften him and teach him the ins and outs of girl stuff. You know green stuff on the face, having 50-11 purses, stressing out over belts, etc. He often doesn’t get my frustration. I think he thinks I’m crazy. He loves being comfy in sweats and jeans. I cannot count how many pairs of kicks he has. It’s a little disturbing.

I say this to say, that when I upgrade myself it will be because something within me says that I have issues. Not because I’m trying to piss off my coworker, not because I’m trying to re-live my glory days, not because I want a raise… well I do want a raise. You know what I mean…. Not because I’m trying to look good for a man. But because I need to feel like my best self and I haven’t been feeling like that for awhile. When I stepped in a room, I owned it. Now I feel invisible. This is got to stop.

So here is the challenge. For the entire month of April, every single day including the weekends, I am going to make sure that I look my absolute best. No excuses. This actually plays well for me, because I participate in “Me-Made-May” every year. And I will be giving my wardrobe special consideration. It’s all about me KILLING it!

Wish me luck…. I will need it.

Peace !

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

10% Shit


This is some bullshit. This church is in a declining neighborhood. It takes up ½ a city block. In a neighborhood where 80% of the homes are boarded up and people are out wilding out. This church is the nicest building in the neighborhood. Hmmm…. If churches are supposed to be about the people, then it should reflect the people that live in the community. The people who attend said church should be community members. You know why? Because it is the neighborhood that pays to support the church.

The church is taking up the span of about 6 homes or businesses. Those homes or businesses would have to pay taxes which support schools, roads, law enforcement, etc. Churches actually use resources because they may require police to direct traffic. There is a church in Lithonia that has it’s own exit off the interstate. FOR REAL. The church pays none of that. So the homes in the neighborhood have to support said activities; which means their taxes go up. These people in this neighborhood can’t afford to have a church in this neighborhood.

Now I wouldn’t be complaining if the church gave back to the neighborhood. But that’s not what churches do these days. They no longer reach out. They preach the “Gospel of Prosperity.” The more you give, the more the mystery god gives to you. How is that working for you?

If you know me personally, you know I don’t dislike church. I get why it’s important and potentially useful. For those that are mentally dead, it serves as a civilizing agent. For the fear of divine retribution, or eternal damnation, people will pretend to have good sense. And if that keeps you from robbing, molesting or committing crimes I will do the Holy Ghost dance with you. But the church, the Black Church in particular, has a greater responsibility to its community.

The Black church used to be a community center. There were after school, and literacy programs, girl/boy scout troops, had leagues, summer camps, senior centers, etc. They even had dances. My first dance with a boy was in the basement of my church while a bunch of old people and preachers watched us. You were socialized in churches. Old people pressed money in your hand when you came home from college. You got encouraged and chastised. It was a family. Not so much these days. These changes are one of the many reasons I left. Nowadays folks have to audition for the choir. The pastor doesn’t know you or your story. Hell, he probably doesn’t know who you are unless you give a big check. I have seen people who worked all their lives in a church to die and the pastor doesn’t even comfort the family or perform the service.

Churches, y’all have to do better, or stop leeching off the community. Some of y’all are no better than pimps. But if you are sick of that foolishness…. Allah’s Nation got you.


Monday, March 11, 2013

My Azreal


I have been reluctant for years to research my ancestors. VERY reluctant. I have some family lore. And my father’s side of the family has regular reunions and they did it. But as is the case with Black people in this wilderness of North America. There comes a point where you have to stop. Not because you want to, but because the records won’t go back any further. I hit the slave wall on most of the sides of my family.

Slavery. Slaves weren’t considered humans. They were considered property. Unless one knows the devil that held one’s ancestors in bondage the trail stops right there. I tried to locate the slaveholders but to no avail. There is a possibility that my ancestors changed their names upon emancipation. A lot of Black folks when they were granted their freedom changed their names to one of their own choosing. By making that defiant act of freedom closes a door that future generations cannot reenter. So while I can find ancestors that were born enslaved but died free, I can’t find the ancestors before them.

I did, however, found a white sire. Apparently, my great great grandfather was a devil. I am not proud of this. Although my mother is. And I don’t understand why. I knew that this happened. I guess the militant in me just never thought that it could happen to me and mine. Yeah I have really light people in my family. But that could come from anywhere, right? The Original DNA has all the shades of the rainbow right?

The interesting thing about that situation is that this devil ancestor actually married my great great grand mother. How does this happen when that was illegal for races to wed? Well I noticed that my great great grandfather changed his name as well has his race. When he lived in his parent’s home, he was considered white and spelled his name one way. (I researched those white people to see if they always claimed to be white and they did.) After he reported to the census that he was “colored or mulatto” he spelled his name differently though with the same phonetics. him/devil was now eligible to marry my great great grandmother. So that white man turned his back on his race, to marry a freed slave. I found his death certificate. He is buried in the family cemetery. I don’t know why I find all of this strange. He chose to live his life as a Black man for the woman he loved, why not be buried with her?

My mother seems to be way more interested in the white man and the slave he married. Than her grandfather who was born a slave. I found records of her slave grandfather and his father! But that white man holds so much fascination for her. Only she knows why. Asking her leads her to confusion. And my mother isn’t demented…. Yet.

This information got superimposed on the episode of Roots:the Next Generation I watched this weekend. The same thing kind of happened in that episode. I get why I don't want white men in my family tree, but I also get that I don't get to make that decision. It is what it is. And I am not any less Original.

The “Best Part” that I am taking from these revelations is my family seems to have children very late. As you can see, I am writing this in 2013 and telling you that my grand parents were all born in the 1900’s. And all but 1 of their parents were born before emancipation. I’m not that old… unless you count being born in the 70’s as old. These men and women have shown and proven that it ain’t over till it’s over. And that every Black woman isn’t a teen mom. That infact many wait and have a quiver full of children later and are old enough to raise said quiver.

Slavery wasn't that long ago.....


Friday, March 8, 2013

Today's degree in the 1-14


The question is, “Why does the devil keep our own people apart from his so-called social equality?” It’s such a good question.

I live in a Black neighborhood… on purpose. I chose this job because it had a majority Black patient base and staff. When I went to church, it was a Black church. I went to a Black college. All on purpose. I don’t consider myself racist. I have lived long enough to know that there is a level of safety and comfort in numbers. The things I require to be happy are easily accessible in my neighborhood were other people require the same thing.

I have lived in white neighborhoods. I got pulled over regularly by the police. They checked a bunch of things for me. My tags, my lights, my trunk, my breath… just everything. Oh, and if I had company, we had a police escort! They were so concerned about my welfare. I went to a white grad school. They were just peachy. Me and my other 3 Black classmates (out of 90) was randomly drug tested 12 times. Every semester and summer session they did one. Most of the class was never tested. Wasn’t that nice of them to check on my health like that? I have worked for caucasion institutions and companies. I had to pay Black tax like a mug and don’t forget the police escort until I got back to my side of town. Me having to carry a see through purse. Seriously, they instituted that on my hire and it wasn’t retroactive to the people hired before me. But that was alright, it just put me on my game. I’m being tongue-in-cheek but for a lot of Black people the right way to do something is the way white folks do it. I don’t feel that way

But the degree does NOT lie. Their social Equality is neither social nor equal. Social would imply that they take in consideration the Wisdom of other people and cultures. Not just to appropriate but to respect. They have decided that they are the default and everything else is savage for the super melaninated or exotic for the lightly melaninated. SMH. No equality there. I supposed that is why it is “so called.”

“Because he does not want us to know how filthy he is in all his affairs, he is afraid that once we learn about him we will run him from amongst us…..”

How embarrassing for the people who have deemed themselves as the civilizers to not be so. HA! But spend quality time with them and you will come to learn that just because the individual is white, doesn’t mean he is superior. I know on a mental level we have all been taught that we are all equal. Ok…. But just because you say that... even believe it (see why I don’t do belief), doesn’t make it so. For example, I knew eventually we’d have a Black president, especially in my lifetime, I really wasn’t expecting it in 2008. Now when I tell my nephew that he could be president, I actually mean it. White folks live their lives. It’s not better than any one else and it’s not worse.

White folks get assistance too. The current term is “entitlements.” They just don’t live in the projects. But Black folks don’t tend to live in trailer parks. And there are trailer parks everywhere…. All nice and tucked in. Do you think if ONLY Black folks were on assistance the government would keep it? Especially now during this sequestration? Black folks aren’t all on food stamps. C’mon Sun. And the myth that there are more Black men in jail than in college is misleading bull. Men of any age can be incarcerated. Not that men can’t be any age in college at any age, but there is a 18-22 age of most college age. So you are comparing a statistic 18-22 to 14-90. Really! GTFOOH!

There is a county here in the metro Atlanta area that used to pride itself on being “lily (100%) white.” They were even on Oprah. Black folks could work there, but they had to be out by sun down. And this was as close as the mid-late 80’s. One of my aunts was visiting and she wanted to go to the county and see it with her own eyes. She said something that has stayed with me. “Umph… You would think since we not living here, they would be living better than this.” WOW! Took me a long time to mull that one over. And I’m still not sure I understand it. But it perfects this degree.

Basically the bottom line is we all live. Nobody lives better than anyone else. No race gets more gimmes than another.

Happy Bornday to my Physical Clarence!


Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Today's Degree in the 1-36


The office for which I have worked for the last 9 years has always been 80% Original. Our patient pool reflects the same demographic. For some reason out of the blue, the boss decided to hire, unbeknownst to us, a new person. She is a devil. Now in the past, when hiring someone new, we all get to be involved in the process. He lets it be known that he is looking for someone, allows us to make suggestions. When a candidate comes in for interview, they not only interview with him but with all of us. This didn’t happen with this individual. One day she was just here.

Now clearly I feel some kind of way about that, but that’s not what this build is about. It’s about the other 3 Original people that work in this office and some of the patients. I never knew that they had this “Step-and-Fetch-It” thing going on. Actually I’m shocked.

I don’t’ do Step-and-Fetch-It. I never saw my parents do Step-and-Fetch-It. I do my job. I keep my concerns to myself. And yes, I might do other work while at work; I make sure that no one sees what I’m doing. Even though I am certain they know…. They have no proof. What kills me is how the addition of this devil has changed the people in this work cipher. All the other Original people go out of their way to say Good Morning. None of us, or the boss are morning people and usually we get a passing grunt. We brighten during as the day passes. But they make a special trip to her office to speak to her. When she makes loud and unprofessional jokes, they laugh nervously. They have even fallen for some of her pyramid schemes. My question is why? 120 gives me my answer….

“He likes the devil because the devil gives him nothing.”

Why is it Original people will extend the devil a level of respect that we don’t give to each other? I have heard folks say that they don’t automatically just respect someone on general principle. That respect must be earned. But apparently if you are a devil, you get it without earning it.

Nothing she says or does affects anyone’s job (except mine). So why do these people just fall in line with her bs? I don’t. When I see it going on with them I always have a sheer look of incredulity on my face. One of the others told me to just smile, nod and go on with my business. I do the last part. I don’t engage. I never learned the Negro-shuffle.