Thursday, March 28, 2013

Mr. & Mrs. Stewart

Peace Y’all,

I’m probably “outing” myself, but I am a BIG fan of the Real Housewives of Atlanta. I love to see Black women with money doing it big. For so long, the media acted like Rich Black folks didn’t exist. The Huxtables were comfortable though practical. They weren’t foolish rich and moneyed. RHOA gives us this. I like it even more now that Kim is off the show. All the other RH franchises showcase rich and foolish white people. Now I get to see the Equality, and that isn’t common for the devil.

One of the characters on this season is Porsha. Porsha is a young, newly married socialite. She married a man more than a decade older than she. (Another thing I like about the RHOA franchise is all the Original people are coupled with Original people) When a man marries a woman that much younger than himself, he is (a) upgrading, (b) controlling or (c) small membered. Everyone is in a tizzy because her husband is controlling. This is the part I don’t appreciate.

So the fuck her husband is controlling! He is the sole bread winner in that household. And he allows her to do as she wants for the most part. Maybe these people have never been married. When you are married, it’s about give and take. Here is an example:

When I was 1st legally married, my husband said that nothing in his life would change except his address. He was accustomed to receiving phone calls late at night from women. I told certain habits were inappropriate for a married man. On a scale from 1-10 with 10 being Very concerned, I felt like a 1.5. I wasn’t concerned about him. He was devoted to me. But them heifers who thought they could disrespect my bedroom… because that’s where he would take the calls…. Had to be checked. He didn’t take my word for it, because he was trying to be that boss man. And he didn’t want to take his family’s opinion of the situation, because he still wanted to appear to be in charge. One of my male friends said he would take car of it and he did. Afterward, we had a conversation and he agreed to make concessions as I did. That’s what it means to be in a relationship

I think the reason why people are so offended regarding the Rorsha/Kordell dynamic is it’s not a common one that we see in our community. Every-damn-person thinks that Black women are super strong 150% of the time. That we are heartless, fearless and enjoy working 15 jobs. They find us bossy, domineering and reluctant to bend to the will of a man. I’m not making this up. Those are the reasons Black men give for dating white women over Black ones. They don’t like our attitudes or we aren’t docile enough. But then a Black woman who acquiesces to her husband’s wishes gets screamed on for being weak? Emphatically Now Cipher!

I am picky about the men I share my life with. I didn’t date men with children; and I didn’t date men who weren’t raised in a 2 parent household. It was hard, but it worked for me. It is my contention that men who didn’t witness a male/female dynamic longterm don’t know what their role is in a household. They don’t’ know how to be flexible. They either come on too hard or they expect their wives to be their mothers. I didn’t start off with these rules but developed them as I went on. And I’m happiest in relationships that I don’t halfstep on my qualifications.

My 1st husband (parent’s married 60 years) gave me the option of working. Think about the previous sentence. I had the OPTION of working or not. When I didn’t work, by choice or situation, all our bills got paid. I had regular hair and nail appointments. You know who was pissed at that? Other women who didn’t have that option. And they weren’t quiet about it either. They constantly asked me how I could let a man control me. He didn’t control me. He controlled the money. And let’s be real, s/he who makes the money is the one who has the final say about how it’s dispersed. When he got home at night, dinner was ready, the house was clean, I had my pearls on and we had a nice evening. This is the case with Porsha and Kordell.

One of the issues on the show was her not wanting to go to a strip club. To be perfectly honest, I wonder why any woman wants to go to a strip club. Unless a porn star I like is performing, I can see titties and ass at will. I wouldn’t want someone shaking body parts that discharge on me in my good clothes. Even gynecologists wear smocks. I suspect Porsha just didn’t want to go and used her husband as a scapegoat. She spent his money all willy nilly at the furniture store without calling in. All those chicks are mad because their men cannot support them in the way they have become accustomed to without their income. Kandi isn’t married but has the responsibility of caring for her daughter (and you don’t EVER see the baby daddy), Cynthia’s husband assed up all her money the 1st season she was on the show with a failed bar venture and is just all around undependable, Apollo is an ex-convict and I have yet so really understand what is job description is, Greg is unemployed living off NeNe, and Kendra ain’t got no man. All them other women HAVE to work. Bunch of Haters.

Porsha is also being judged because she can’t have company when he isn’t there. That is kind of ridiculous. Porsha is a pretty girl who is appears to be ditzy and very sheltered. Seriously, does she strike you as a woman who has ever been in a fight? Maybe Kordell is worried for his wife’s safety. She doesn’t seem bright enough to recognize when some is in your home making plans to rob you later. He is a rich man who can afford a ransom. Again, I ain’t mad at him.

It has been my experience, that no one can have it all. When you spread yourself thin, you miss out on things. My mother worked when I came along. She didn’t go back to work with my older brother until he went to school then she just kept on working. She missed things with me. My first words, me walking, the loss of my 1st tooth and so forth. She says that bothered her. That she didn’t know me as well as she knew my brother. But times were different when I came along vs. when my brother was born. I was a hot mess as a child. I got kicked out of nursery schools for fighting the teacher and would run away from a babysitter I didn’t like. But she made a choice to work and not stay home, so part of the blame for my foolishness is hers. Back then you parents could whip your ass anywhere and any way they chose. And folks would hold you down while you mother took a break. So Kordell speaking that truth to his wife is not only ok but required.

And my last, but most important point…. It ain’t nobody’s business how you get down in YOUR relationship but you and your mate. That’s it. I don’t have a lot of women friends. I don’t have a lot of men friends either. But as soon as a woman makes a comment about my man, I shut them down hard and fast. They need to learn that we have boundaries in our friendship. My man is a big one that I don’t play with. I don’t trust women like that. In my youth I have had the experience of complaining about my man to a female ‘friend’ and she went back and made it seem worse and more of a betrayal than it was. Since she had personal details my ex didn’t believe me. Valuable lesson learned. I don’t complain to family either. Once family starts hating your man, they have long memories. I have a cousin who is married to man we can’t stand. We can only see the obvious (infidelities, assholiness, etc) but she loves him, so what can we say. She has never confirmed or denied what we think he’s done. She smiles, so we smile back. And that is how it’s supposed to be.

Mind your business will teach you how to keep your own confidences!