Who Do You Love? ... Are You Sure?

I'm hot this morning. It should be a favorable thing since it's 24* outside. But I'm inside now. This is something I see daily and it pisses me off to no end.

I'm on the train this morning. There is a Black man sitting down with women sitting all around him. There is a woman holding a baby that is giving him the screwface. I get up and offer her my seat. I in turn take her place standing giving this old (maybe 50's-ish) man the fish-eye (a la Aunt Esther). This man acts oblivious to what is going on around him. He begins to strike up a conversation with the only white woman around him. Asking her all these lovely questions using his sweet voice on her. My fish-eye is getting stronger. Then as the white woman is leaving, and she has an ass of luggage for some reason, she stumbles as she is getting off the train. Not stumble to fall, but misplaced footing. The old Black man jumps up to run and help her. Damn to all of us that have been sitting or standing. He actually bumped me! Now I was kind enough NOT to trip this ignorant Black man that was so blissfully helping out a white damsel in distress.... But I did take his seat. When he got back on the train, he asked me to get up. Can you believe that? I smiled and said, "I will.... When I get to my stop." He tried to carry on that young people had no manners. (That was a light compliment I suppose), but and older Black woman read him the riot act telling him that since he loved white women so much he should find a car with an abundance. The tom got so pissed and was about to say something when a MARTA policeman who had been on the train the whole time suggested that it was in his best interest to get off at the next stop and catch the nest train.

I get to work and its too cold to walk all the way to the front door. So I cut through the parking deck and get on the elevator which will drop me off right in the building... and it's heated. I get on in the doctors parking lot. I make sure my badge is out so that I have no trouble with the people that work there. They don't like non doctors getting on that elevator. Two other men get on the elevator with me. When the elevator stops, it stops on a floor that anyone can park on. This non-nurse gets on the elevator. I'm not sure of her ethnicity but I'm certain she's not white. She looks me dead in my eye and says nothing. Then she looks at the white males, gives them a big smile and greets them with an enthusiastic "Good morning doctors!" I rush to be the first one to respond even though I Know she wasn't speaking to me. She gets visibly shaken when I do that, but my tag is hanging out and she looked me up and down when she first got on the elevator. The other doctors giggled under their breath, but since there were two of them and it was just the four of us on the elevator, she heard it. I smiled and said, "I assumed you Knew them. Was I mistaken?"

My problem is with our people who live to kiss the white man's/woman's ass. What is up with that. Why do we hate ourselves so much? What is it about the white man that is so enviable? THEM was right when he made the statement.... He loves the devil because the devil gives him nothing.

I need a moment to calm down y'all....



Peace

Do Babies Feel Racism?

I had the oddest thoughts last night. Seriously, they were odd and I question the necessity. I also wonder what triggered them. Here they go...

Was I treated in a racist fashion as a child? And if so, has it had an effect on me throughout the maturation process? Follow me as I Build on this...

My parents were about as conscious as Black folks could be at that age. I have often said, if they were younger they would have been Panthers. But my parents were born in the 1930's and there is only a certain amount of the water they would trouble. As a child my parents, convinced me that I could do anything I wanted if I put in the work. They also told me to not trust 'Mr. Charlie.' That is the word they used unless they were mad at white people. Then they called them 'Paddyrollers.' I have come to learn that is a truly OLD way to refer to despicable white folks. Anyway... They made sure that I Knew and Understood the contributions that Black people have made to this country and to the world. My bed time stories along with tales also included information about prominent Black people and what they did. We also lived and socialized in a Black community of strivers. Okay. That was home. Lets talk about abroad.

I grew up in an urban environment. My parents did not trust the Paterson public school system. If y'all remember that movie Lean on Me?. That was my town. I did not attend that school, or any of the public school and programs that Paterson had to offer. I attended private, religious based schools. That was another block from my parents being too conscious. They powerfully love/d Jesus. All of my educational experiences were in predominately white schools. This is what prompted these thoughts. Did these white people do something to me when I was defenseless?

Various instances of mistreatment at the hands of white teachers and administrators have been bubbling to the surface lately. Why? Some of these memories are more than 30 years old! They aren't really upsetting me in a way where I want to go out and slap all white people. You know the feeling you get when you watch Roots, Mississippi Burning or any of them racist movies. No? I'm coming down with one of them Oprah "Aha!" moments. Ain't like I can hunt down and slap the people who mistreated me. I don't even want to. But I am being more mindful of my dealings with the devil.

I remember being put in the 'slow' class in kindergarten. Why? I remember taking a test and the people saying that I could be admitted to the school even though I was younger than their cut off for the class. I was the only Black girl in my class. There was a short bus of Black children bussed in from Paterson. We were the only Black children in the school. I mentioned some of the things that were going on in my class to my mother and she, an educator herself, realized that I had been classified as slow. You can't piss my mother off like that. She don't play that. I wasn't slow and she paid money for me to go there. She went up there and set them jokers straight. I was put in a regular kindergarten class and did well. Wasn't delayed at all. So they just decided to put me in that class for their own twisted reasons.

Another memory I have is at a February assembly, the principal made a statement that all Black people in this country should be happy that we taken into slavery. Because if we hadn't we would still be in Africa and starving. I had to be like 6 at the time. I came home and told my mother what was said and the fork fell from her fingers. See, at dinner we had to tell Mommie something new we learned that day. Even in the summer! That was my lesson for that day. She went ballistic and formed a lynch mob with Daddy and her lady friends (all teachers). They took me to school the next day, demanded to see the principal, and demanded that he corrected what he said over the loud speaker to the entire school. And didn't leave until they witnessed it. They did leave me there to deal with the fall out. The older students on the bus on the way home explained to me and the young children what had happened, because they (older children) were tickled and we were confused.

I remember forgetting to put my name on a test once and receiving a '0' on the test that affected my grade in the class. It was an honest mistake on my part. But it was the middle of the year and the class had maybe 9 students and if the other students all had their names on their papers then the teacher had to Know that that was my paper. Again my mother got involved. And the reason they adjusted things (I had gotten 100 on the test, they took 5 points off for my oversight) was because the teacher had filed the test, without the name, in my file. So she Knew that was my test! She just wanted to be contrary.

I remember in the 6th grade, the different, now Catholic school I was attending used to require parental class involvement. My mother worked like 30 minutes away from the school and my father was self employed. So Daddy used to be the one to come to school and participate. He was the only father helping out. The teacher made the comment that it was good to see him participating, and then she put her foot in her mouth and said, "Its probably the only time you see your daughter." Damn. Why it gotta be like that. Daddy was one of the funniest people I have ever met and he could shut you up, and make you feel foolish without making himself look bad. And he did just that. Damn paddyroller.....

I could go on. You could too. When you think of racism, you think of grown folks and not really of the babies being on the receiving end of it. They don't Know when they are being subjected, nor do they Know how to handle it. I was lucky because my parents were extremely supportive, involved, educated and did the Knowledge to my Cipher everyday. But there are parents who don't do this for what ever reasons. Maybe they are busy. Maybe they don't care. Maybe they feel like their children should learn to handle there own issues on their own. Maybe they don't Know how. I don't know. But should I have babies, I will be all up and through. And I will show them how to navigate that foolishness and always let them Know that their parents have their back as long as they are in the right. Though... I would like to think that that foolishness won't exist in the very near future, but you never Know.



Peace

Don't Have Children....

I went downstairs to get a little something something for a light snack earlier and I bumped into a chick that I Knew from NJ. It was completely unexpected. We caught up briefly and this is what she told me? Her 19 year old son has a baby on the way. So? I Know she expected me to extend my shoulder to her and say, "I?m sorry" but I couldn't. I see nothing wrong with having babies.


I am going to freely admit, that I used to buy into the okey doke. That there was a proper way and order to do life's most natural things. I bought into the marriage, house, 2 cars, and education type of scenario. And guess what it got me? No babies. I'm not blaming other people. I allowed it to happen. There used to be a time in my life where pleasing my parents was the sole most important thing to me. For them to be cross with me was like a death sentence. I assumed that they had the best for me in their hearts and they did. BUT... The 'Best' is a relative term. Meaning what worked for them wasn't necessarily going to work for me.


Don't have children without a husband. Women have been told this since the instiution got started. And I see the value of having children in a committed relationship where both parties want and agree to share responsibility of said children. But that?s not guaranteed by marriage. Lots of married men bounce and leave their children.


Don't have children until you have been married at least a year. Get to Know each other 1st. Ummm... Why would I need to 'get to Know' a man that I have just married? I mean, did I not Know this man when I accepted his proposal? It wasn't an arranged marriage. I Knew my late DH since I was a little girl. My mother was more practical when she made this suggestion. She said if I got pregnant immediately after getting married, people would think that was the reason we got married in the 1st place. Again... I have to ask this burning question? So?


Don't have children until you finish school. Again, I see the value of educated parents. It is assumed that educated people will earn more over the course of their lives. And it is easier to attend school without children than it is with them. I am not faulting that. BUT... many people go to school and have children at the same time. Yeah it may take them a long time and they miss out on the fun of the 'college experience' but it can be done if you find yourself in that situation.


Don'thave children until you buy a house. This is by far the stupidest rule I have heard regarding the whole baby thing. More renters have babies than home owners. I own and have rented; let me tell you this... purchasing a home is super DUPER vaginally drying. After purchasing our home and realizing how much money it was gonna take to get it the way we wanted it, and taxes, and repairs, and insurance...She-it!.... was enough for my late husband and I to put off having children for a few more years.


So where are my damn children? Here I am... previously married, educated, a home owner, and childless all the while 40 is breathing so heavily on the back of my neck that I can smell what it ate for breakfast. Not a good look. I'm angry. I am exponentially pissed off I'm disappointed that I listened to people and aided them in Building a prison house for me. Yes I call it a prison house, because in prison you give up making your own choices, by your own actions. Your wants aren't honored. I have always wanted children, but I listened to others and what their vision of my life should be now my choices are gone. When was a youngster I wanted at least 9 children. Had there names all picked out and everything. That desire has never passed But the people I respected told me that only ignorant people have that many children. And that Big Mama didn't have a TV back in the olden days and there wasn't anything else to do once it got dark. Okay all jokes aside. I'm upset that I didn't get my heart's desire. And I have to come to grips with that. But don't come at me with that BS current, "Well you can always adopt," or "Not everyone is meant to be a mother." You will get punched in the eye. You better hope I don't have my knife on me. I will shank you. And don't complain that your kids are knocked up either. I am neither your sister or companion in that tribulation.



Peace

The Price of Clarity

For a minute I have been humming the last break on Dr Dre's cut "Bitches Ain't Shit" from The Chronic album. Despite how you feel about the misogyny you MUST bare witness that The Chronic is one of the best Hip Hop albums of all time. ALL TIME. If you can't you ain't right and exact with our Koran.


Okay... I have a real bad case of the "Don?t give a fucks." It has been brewing for a minute and I?m not really sure how I caught it. I suppose it has everything to do with my level of dissatisfaction with my life in general and my inability to come up with a solution to make things right. Also there are things that I normally would be worried about, that I have just slapped on the fuck it list. This sounds like a perfect mindset on paper. Unfortunately the flip to that is I'm blocked from pleasant feelings too. All of the little things that used to make me smile and laugh are getting no love from me. I got nothing. It's actually quite frightening. Even though I don't do Christmas, I like this time of year. I like the carols and the television shows. I love the sales. But I just can't garner any excitement for anything. I am scaring my coworkers. That aspect should be amusing, but I'm not enjoying it. I have often suspected that the people I work with, purposefully push my buttons so they can get a rise out of me. Since I don't give a fuck, they push and push and push and all they get from me is nothing. Now they leave me alone; but they don't turn their backs to me. Ironically, it's what I have wanted all along. I never wanted to play in their reindeer games.


Even though the fuck it list is growing, still I find that some emotion is making its way to the surface. Unfortunately it's not the good ones, nor are they coming balanced. Something happened recently and I find a lot of anger is bubbling to the surface like a Coca Cola burp. But it's not being tempered with any Love or compassion or any of the normal neutralizers. I'm still wondering if this is cause for concern. I've not yet decided that. You know why? Yep. It's on the fuck it list.


One true upside I have noticed in being dispassionately unattached to stuff, is that I have a clearer cee on most things. I look in the mirror and can see my face and body, and not what I want to see. I can look at my bank statement and actually see my finances for what they are rather than what I hope they will be. I look at the relationships in my life and timing factors and can see them for the Truth. That has got to be a plus. If only I could get excited to celebrate.


I'm having company this weekend. I'm not cool with everyone that will cross my threshold. But the "I don't give a fucks" don't care. It won't be my intention to pull a Martin Lawrence and through someone out of the front door while screaming, "Get the stepping", but you never know what will develop. Unfortunately the "I don't give a fucks" play no favorites.



Peace

Knowledge Cipher

Today's Supreme Mathematics is Knowledge Cipher abbt Knowledge. I'm drawing it up to mean for me? That I must do the Knowledge to my Cipher, twice. First to gain an awareness of what is actually going on in my Ciphers and secondly, to make Knowledgeable decisions based on that information. Example... I need to do some housework this weekend because I'm having a bit of company on Sunday. The Cipher is my home and the Knowledge is an assessment of what needs to be done. Okay. The list is made. But why is the list as it is? Do I really need to rake outside leaves for an inside meeting? Do I really need to go all out putting on the hog for people who probably not notice the effort? See? Its evaluation and re-evaluation. 10:40 asks who is this mystery god? The answer evaluates and re-evaluates. Not only is there no mystery god, its a waste of time searching for that which does not exist. This reminds me of high school algebra. When I would complete an equation, I would do the proof to show and prove that my answer was right and exact. Yeah it was an extra step that wasn't required, but I was always rewarded with good grades (a button to wear on the lapel of my coat) and the peace of mind (free transportation to Mecca) that my answers were correct. Some folks would say that this is a waste of time. Well I say, that is Knowledge for your own personal Ciphers.



Peace

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

We have officially entered Holiday Season. How do I know this? (1)I went to the mall to pick up something for myself and this mall that is usually 1/2-1/3 filled to capacity was overflowing with people, (2) decorations are up in all the streets, (3) the radio station that my boss plays at work has reverted to Christmas music nonstop (4) Santa was at the mall and (5) I had to pull and dust off the office decorations. People... we have hit pay dirt.


The song Little Drummer Boy used to be one of my favorites when I was a child. I suppose it has to do with the fact that when I liked it so much, I was a child and could relate to said song. The big people always had gifts to give to other people and I wanted to also, but had no money so I had to just suck it up. The funny thing is once I became an adult and was expected to give gifts, I wanted to revert back to the little drummer girl. Since I no longer celebrate the holiday, I am not giving gifts (well maybe one to my mother) and I will not accept any gifts either.


But one line of the above mentioned song sticks in my head. "...I have no gifts to bring... ba rum pum pum pum.... to lay before the king..." Why do people feel like it is necessary to give gifts to people who clearly don't need any? I know it's the thought and all that other stuff, but I'm not talking about those people. I'm talking about folks that you share your social Equality with, no. I'm speaking about entities like churches and clergy people.


Have you looked at churches these days, in this economy? I live in Atlanta; part of the Bible belt. I have seen all manner of businesses close down. When you go to a strip mall you will see more closed businesses than open ones. But what I have NOT seen are closed churches. I'm not speaking of churches that have moved on to greener pastures, I'm speaking of churches that have just flat out closed down because the economy has gotten bad. Have you? Go on. I'll wait.


What I have seen is churches that clearly are doing well. Groomed and manicured yards with poinsettia arrangements all over the place. I have seen cars double parked in parking lots and greenery (yes already, after all it is advent season) and lights dripping off the edges of churches. This is my question... What are these churches doing for the community? I mean I can see them breaking ground and acquiring new buildings, but what are these churches doing to improve the quality of life for the community or their members? Churches sell something that has yet to be proven whether it exists. And folks pay big money on the alter of Mammon. And for what?


Churches have become obsolete now a days. In the past they provided social and personal growth and development. People could learn to read at church, there were after school programs at churches. Churches had sports leagues and summer camps. Now churches push the "Gospel of Prosperity"; meaning, you can give your way out of poverty. And that is a lie from the pit of hell (hell = devil civilization). I recognize that churches have bills, but they are spending more on the outward appearances than on the people. Meaning look at what services are provided and that is all you should have in your church. If all you do is meet with your people who are your followers on Sunday from 11am-2pm, then all you need is a 1 room and that's it. If you never cook for the masses, you don't need a state of the art kitchen. If you eat as a group maybe just a few times a year, you can have that catered. Put some money in someone else's pocket for a change. If you aren't teaching anything useful (or at all) then you don?t need those classrooms. See where I'm going with this? What is the purpose of all that property if you aren?t doing anything useful with it?


Why would a little drummer person feel it necessary to give a gift to someone who clearly has more than s/he does? Would said rich person even notice? I had a friend who used to belong to a mega church here in the metro. She was convinced that all her contributions and efforts were noticed by the pastor of said church. After all she had been going to that church for over a decade. She was with the church when it was a normal sized church and she gave a pledge that helped them get into their new 5000+ seat facility. While making plans to relocate (which means she would have to find another church to give her gold to), she fully expected the pastor to personally wish her well. Do I have to tell you that she was disappointed? But what she did receive was a form letter informing her that if she truly wanted to remain a member in good standing with that church she could. They have streaming services on Sundays and she could give her tithe via the website. Damn. That's it. Why not join Fred Price's or Rev. Ike's ministry? And do you know she maintained her membership like that for about a year. Insanity. She was that preacher's little Drummer girl. Or bottom bitch but who am I to speak on it. He had to get his money. Churches don't pay for themselves now do they?


Another practice of the church people is to give gifts/money to their clergy people. Why? These people get a salary? Don't alike it to a bonus that us working people EARN at the end of the year for putting up with crap for 260 days per year (that's 2080 hours per year). Preachers work only on Sunday (that's 52 2-hour days per year) and often get vacations that they are also paid for. And let's not talk about guest ministers that receive love offerings. I say let them have the preacher's weekly salary for that visit. They get other perks too... Anniversary gifts, birthday gifts, dinners, suits, etc. Preachers got the immense hookup. And don't tell me that they do other work like funerals and weddings. When I got married and buried my husband, I had to pay the churches for the pleasure. I and my late spouse were both born and baptized in that church and were members in good standing yet I was billed an invoice for both services payable on receipt. My aunt who is in a nursing home has been a member of her church since she was 15 (she?s 85 at the date of this writing) she has labored and devoted herself to that church for about 60 odd some years, cleaning, cooking, singing, teaching Sunday school, anything they ever needed she was right there. They sent her son a letter stating that they knew she was sick (even thought they didn't visit), but they also knew that she was getting social security checks and that her children should be tithing that money. But since they hadn't, when she dies, the funeral in that church would cost the family approximately $2000. How is that for good Christian love?


I am saying that it is highly and completely unnecessary for people to love (with their money) these institutions that give them nothing. Do they not need their money? Anyone out there who has some money that they don?t need, feel free to send it to me. I?ll take it and do something positive with it.




Peace

What's this Gotta Do with Me?

I was watching this show on cable called "How the Earth was Made." It is mad interesting if you?re into that type of thing, which I am. The whole time I"m watching the show I'm like, "What's this gotta do with me"? Because I'm Earth. I watched like 3 of them in a row. But the one I will Build on this morning is Asteroids.


Asteroids are heavenly bodies. Usually small rocks, but they can be enormous, that orbit something with a gravitational pull. They aren't just rocks hanging out and something collides in them. They have an agenda, they are in rotation around something. Usually the Sun. They are composed of a space metal like iridium and are usually covered in ice (its cold out in space) and they have no atmosphere of their own. When an asteroid comes in contact with a planet it is usually burned up in the planet's atmosphere, leaving dust to drop from the skies. It's what a shooting star is. But sometimes them jokers are big, or composed of a rock that will not disintegrate. The big ones, sometimes you can see them coming. That's when the issue starts. If it can make it through our atmosphere, then when it hits, there will be problems and situations.


First, the area that the asteroid hits will form an instant crater. The reason that is a problem is because Earth formations usually take time. And that time allows all parties involved to adjust to the changes. But the instant-ness of the asteroid crater (scar) formation creates a problem for the surrounding areas and the underlying areas. It breaks up the mantle of the Earth; allowing something to come to the surface. Sometimes water, other times oil, but even other times, magma.


When the asteroid hits it overturns rocks around the crater. The asteroid disintegrates but leaves fragments of space metal for miles and finally, it levels a sonic shockwave that reverberates across the entire planet. This shock wave can kill, circumferentially. A shock wave allegedly brought down the reign of dinosaurs. It doesn't just kill all the animals and vegetation, but causes earthquakes and tsunamis. That shock wave, very well may be the most destructive part of the asteroid hit, that is, unless the asteroid lands directly on you.


How do I see this in relation to me as the Earth? I see asteroids as external forces that reek havoc on Self. They come from who knows, and try as I might to protect mySelf through my own atmospheric shield; they get in and cause acute, intense and possibly long lasting problems. If they get past my shield, then it's going to leave a scar on my person.


Think of that bad romantic relationship that will forever stay in the back or your mind. That relationship will be part of every subsequent relationship that follows... Forever (space debris). What if a close family member that you depend on dies suddenly? That will reek havoc on you because now you have to scramble to bury that person, deal with the emotional baggage (space debris) of unsaid words and revelations (space debris), and find a way to support yourself. The people around you will be different too (shockwaves). In the case of the bad romantic relationship, people bounce when they see you struggling. They offer no means of escape and often they help the perpetrator because he wants to isolate you from the outside world and they let him. And in the case of a dearly departed folks will get all nosy, wondering how much money you have and how much they can get from you, but they don't offer to share their social Equality with you. Your presence reminds them of your tragedy and that makes folks uncomfortable. And if for their sake you act less unaffected; that's how the rumors get started.


Asteroids can be other people that come into your Universe with an agenda to cause problems. Sometimes you can see the big ones coming. The Earth cannot simply jump out of the way and avoid it. She is locked into her rotation, plus she has to spin on her own axis. Say you choose to involve yourSelf with a man who has kids. That is a big Baby Mama asteroid up close and personal. And ladies don?t trip, you see that one coming. As long as you have a relationship with that man, you will have a relationship with that Baby Mama. I have friends with children. I have witnessed them telling their children that they did not have to listen to "that woman." My own parents were separated and I have been told that I lack Self respect because I was polite to my Father's latest paramour. What kind of debris is that going to leave for that child, or for that woman? This is why I don't date men with children (shockwave). I burn that up in my atmosphere. My overturned rock in that arena is that the pool of remaining men is even smaller.


Broken Earth can be productively useful. The asteroid can break up the mantle of the Earth and bring forth a cleansing (water). It can bring forth a useful skill that can be used to earn more gold (oil). Or it can turn the Earth into a bitch of the highest magnitude (magma). I suppose it depends where the asteroid hits.


But that scar will never go away. It can fill up with water and become a lake. It can become fertile and grow vegetation and support animal life. It will eventually blend into the surrounding environment, but it will never go away. It's there forever. The impact was just that hard.


So for me, I will strive with all my power to not be an asteroid to someone else unless I am certain it will produce a beneficial result rather than set the stage for earthquakes, tsunamis and volcanoes. And avoid all incoming asteroids to the best of my ability. But should one get past my atmosphere, I will be the Earth thst I am and keep on rotating.





Peace