Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Drawn up to Her Fullest Equality....

Okay... This is a topic that has the righteous community at odds with one another. It should not be an issue because I'm sure that we all agree with the foundational premise. But the manifestation of such is what has folks all hot and bothered. I also can be fairly certain that this debate will never completely go away. But I will put my stank on it so to speak. The Black woman is not a goddess.

If anyone should be on the feminist bullshit (perfect word for it) it should be me. I am far more educated than my male contemporaries, have a plethora of experiences and material possessions. I live alone and support myself as my mother did before me. I am the epitome of an "Independent and Strong Black Woman." BUT I am not a goddess. I am Earth.

There are significantly less women in Allah's Nation in comparison to men. That seems off for Yacub's world manifest. In religious or educational environments (and we are NOT a religion) you find exponentially more women then men. So stands to reason that Allah's Nation should follow suit. It doesn't. One has to wonder why. Is it because women find the prospect of being considered other than God distasteful? That's my vote. Though it could be said that Gods don't do enough to bring women into this Nation. I'd agree with that too. My personal experiences validate both points. But I'm thinking folks not seeing the reality versus what they want to see. Keep reading, I'll explain...

I am Earth not God. That does not mean that I am in any way inferior to God. I'm just not him. I am not a man, or a giraffe or a breadbox or a car. I am Earth. Simply put. God has his role and I have mine. Sometimes it is based on gender, sometimes it's not. But that's in my Universe. It will be different for every couple. The receptionist at a Fortune 500 company does not do the same thing as the caterer. But both jobs are necessary for the company to survive. Maids and butlers do separate jobs. As do directors of operations versus directors of marketing. Everyone has a different job description. But if you miss one of these positions, chaos can ensue. I am not God because I have my hands full being Earth.

Now I Understand why some people want to label the Black woman as a goddess. To many she is. Some people grew up with no Father or male role model to identify with. Mama was all they had and apparently all they needed. Now all women are expected to fulfill that role in their lives. And how do you do that? Gas her up by calling her a goddess. Then she will feel strong enough to go out there and work 15 jobs. Ummmm... Emphatically No! I neither want nor need it like that!

Personally, I think more women need to tap in to their innate femininity. We have lost it trying to be everything to all people. And I'm not saying let out you inner hoe. No. I am saying investigate what is on the internal that makes you, you... and makes your inner little girl sit up and take notice. Again, not advocating being a high maintenance princess. That's hard for the inexperienced to pull off, but I am saying try some things on and see if you like them. Being a feminine woman does not means the same thing to all women, but there are aspects of womanhood that are out of fashion now a days and I feel that we should allow ourselves the latitude to explore our options.


Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Success in my Undertakings

Ladies and Gentlemen?. Gods and Earths?.

I did it! I have fulfilled my determined idea of becoming a 120 Holder!

Okay... Now that it is complete, and I have stopped celebrating enough to wonder?.. Now what? Now that I have accomplished this goal, what shall I do? Teach a million people? Build for hours at the parliament? When I was under study, it was a very organized process. I knew what I was supposed to do and I knew what was expected of me. Now that I'm on my own (and I'm not really that on my own. I assume my educator is not going to disappear since he is my God) I'm curious about what I will do with 120.

Any suggestions? What are y'all doing with 120?


PS: Y'all wanna see me and my flag? Go on over to facebook and check my profile....

Monday, December 21, 2009

Who Do You Love? ... Are You Sure?

I'm hot this morning. It should be a favorable thing since it's 24* outside. But I'm inside now. This is something I see daily and it pisses me off to no end.

I'm on the train this morning. There is a Black man sitting down with women sitting all around him. There is a woman holding a baby that is giving him the screwface. I get up and offer her my seat. I in turn take her place standing giving this old (maybe 50's-ish) man the fish-eye (a la Aunt Esther). This man acts oblivious to what is going on around him. He begins to strike up a conversation with the only white woman around him. Asking her all these lovely questions using his sweet voice on her. My fish-eye is getting stronger. Then as the white woman is leaving, and she has an ass of luggage for some reason, she stumbles as she is getting off the train. Not stumble to fall, but misplaced footing. The old Black man jumps up to run and help her. Damn to all of us that have been sitting or standing. He actually bumped me! Now I was kind enough NOT to trip this ignorant Black man that was so blissfully helping out a white damsel in distress.... But I did take his seat. When he got back on the train, he asked me to get up. Can you believe that? I smiled and said, "I will.... When I get to my stop." He tried to carry on that young people had no manners. (That was a light compliment I suppose), but and older Black woman read him the riot act telling him that since he loved white women so much he should find a car with an abundance. The tom got so pissed and was about to say something when a MARTA policeman who had been on the train the whole time suggested that it was in his best interest to get off at the next stop and catch the nest train.

I get to work and its too cold to walk all the way to the front door. So I cut through the parking deck and get on the elevator which will drop me off right in the building... and it's heated. I get on in the doctors parking lot. I make sure my badge is out so that I have no trouble with the people that work there. They don't like non doctors getting on that elevator. Two other men get on the elevator with me. When the elevator stops, it stops on a floor that anyone can park on. This non-nurse gets on the elevator. I'm not sure of her ethnicity but I'm certain she's not white. She looks me dead in my eye and says nothing. Then she looks at the white males, gives them a big smile and greets them with an enthusiastic "Good morning doctors!" I rush to be the first one to respond even though I Know she wasn't speaking to me. She gets visibly shaken when I do that, but my tag is hanging out and she looked me up and down when she first got on the elevator. The other doctors giggled under their breath, but since there were two of them and it was just the four of us on the elevator, she heard it. I smiled and said, "I assumed you Knew them. Was I mistaken?"

My problem is with our people who live to kiss the white man's/woman's ass. What is up with that. Why do we hate ourselves so much? What is it about the white man that is so enviable? THEM was right when he made the statement.... He loves the devil because the devil gives him nothing.

I need a moment to calm down y'all....


Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Do Babies Feel Racism?

I had the oddest thoughts last night. Seriously, they were odd and I question the necessity. I also wonder what triggered them. Here they go...

Was I treated in a racist fashion as a child? And if so, has it had an effect on me throughout the maturation process? Follow me as I Build on this...

My parents were about as conscious as Black folks could be at that age. I have often said, if they were younger they would have been Panthers. But my parents were born in the 1930's and there is only a certain amount of the water they would trouble. As a child my parents, convinced me that I could do anything I wanted if I put in the work. They also told me to not trust 'Mr. Charlie.' That is the word they used unless they were mad at white people. Then they called them 'Paddyrollers.' I have come to learn that is a truly OLD way to refer to despicable white folks. Anyway... They made sure that I Knew and Understood the contributions that Black people have made to this country and to the world. My bed time stories along with tales also included information about prominent Black people and what they did. We also lived and socialized in a Black community of strivers. Okay. That was home. Lets talk about abroad.

I grew up in an urban environment. My parents did not trust the Paterson public school system. If y'all remember that movie Lean on Me?. That was my town. I did not attend that school, or any of the public school and programs that Paterson had to offer. I attended private, religious based schools. That was another block from my parents being too conscious. They powerfully love/d Jesus. All of my educational experiences were in predominately white schools. This is what prompted these thoughts. Did these white people do something to me when I was defenseless?

Various instances of mistreatment at the hands of white teachers and administrators have been bubbling to the surface lately. Why? Some of these memories are more than 30 years old! They aren't really upsetting me in a way where I want to go out and slap all white people. You know the feeling you get when you watch Roots, Mississippi Burning or any of them racist movies. No? I'm coming down with one of them Oprah "Aha!" moments. Ain't like I can hunt down and slap the people who mistreated me. I don't even want to. But I am being more mindful of my dealings with the devil.

I remember being put in the 'slow' class in kindergarten. Why? I remember taking a test and the people saying that I could be admitted to the school even though I was younger than their cut off for the class. I was the only Black girl in my class. There was a short bus of Black children bussed in from Paterson. We were the only Black children in the school. I mentioned some of the things that were going on in my class to my mother and she, an educator herself, realized that I had been classified as slow. You can't piss my mother off like that. She don't play that. I wasn't slow and she paid money for me to go there. She went up there and set them jokers straight. I was put in a regular kindergarten class and did well. Wasn't delayed at all. So they just decided to put me in that class for their own twisted reasons.

Another memory I have is at a February assembly, the principal made a statement that all Black people in this country should be happy that we taken into slavery. Because if we hadn't we would still be in Africa and starving. I had to be like 6 at the time. I came home and told my mother what was said and the fork fell from her fingers. See, at dinner we had to tell Mommie something new we learned that day. Even in the summer! That was my lesson for that day. She went ballistic and formed a lynch mob with Daddy and her lady friends (all teachers). They took me to school the next day, demanded to see the principal, and demanded that he corrected what he said over the loud speaker to the entire school. And didn't leave until they witnessed it. They did leave me there to deal with the fall out. The older students on the bus on the way home explained to me and the young children what had happened, because they (older children) were tickled and we were confused.

I remember forgetting to put my name on a test once and receiving a '0' on the test that affected my grade in the class. It was an honest mistake on my part. But it was the middle of the year and the class had maybe 9 students and if the other students all had their names on their papers then the teacher had to Know that that was my paper. Again my mother got involved. And the reason they adjusted things (I had gotten 100 on the test, they took 5 points off for my oversight) was because the teacher had filed the test, without the name, in my file. So she Knew that was my test! She just wanted to be contrary.

I remember in the 6th grade, the different, now Catholic school I was attending used to require parental class involvement. My mother worked like 30 minutes away from the school and my father was self employed. So Daddy used to be the one to come to school and participate. He was the only father helping out. The teacher made the comment that it was good to see him participating, and then she put her foot in her mouth and said, "Its probably the only time you see your daughter." Damn. Why it gotta be like that. Daddy was one of the funniest people I have ever met and he could shut you up, and make you feel foolish without making himself look bad. And he did just that. Damn paddyroller.....

I could go on. You could too. When you think of racism, you think of grown folks and not really of the babies being on the receiving end of it. They don't Know when they are being subjected, nor do they Know how to handle it. I was lucky because my parents were extremely supportive, involved, educated and did the Knowledge to my Cipher everyday. But there are parents who don't do this for what ever reasons. Maybe they are busy. Maybe they don't care. Maybe they feel like their children should learn to handle there own issues on their own. Maybe they don't Know how. I don't know. But should I have babies, I will be all up and through. And I will show them how to navigate that foolishness and always let them Know that their parents have their back as long as they are in the right. Though... I would like to think that that foolishness won't exist in the very near future, but you never Know.


Monday, December 14, 2009

Don't Have Children....

I went downstairs to get a little something something for a light snack earlier and I bumped into a chick that I Knew from NJ. It was completely unexpected. We caught up briefly and this is what she told me? Her 19 year old son has a baby on the way. So? I Know she expected me to extend my shoulder to her and say, "I?m sorry" but I couldn't. I see nothing wrong with having babies.

I am going to freely admit, that I used to buy into the okey doke. That there was a proper way and order to do life's most natural things. I bought into the marriage, house, 2 cars, and education type of scenario. And guess what it got me? No babies. I'm not blaming other people. I allowed it to happen. There used to be a time in my life where pleasing my parents was the sole most important thing to me. For them to be cross with me was like a death sentence. I assumed that they had the best for me in their hearts and they did. BUT... The 'Best' is a relative term. Meaning what worked for them wasn't necessarily going to work for me.

Don't have children without a husband. Women have been told this since the instiution got started. And I see the value of having children in a committed relationship where both parties want and agree to share responsibility of said children. But that?s not guaranteed by marriage. Lots of married men bounce and leave their children.

Don't have children until you have been married at least a year. Get to Know each other 1st. Ummm... Why would I need to 'get to Know' a man that I have just married? I mean, did I not Know this man when I accepted his proposal? It wasn't an arranged marriage. I Knew my late DH since I was a little girl. My mother was more practical when she made this suggestion. She said if I got pregnant immediately after getting married, people would think that was the reason we got married in the 1st place. Again... I have to ask this burning question? So?

Don't have children until you finish school. Again, I see the value of educated parents. It is assumed that educated people will earn more over the course of their lives. And it is easier to attend school without children than it is with them. I am not faulting that. BUT... many people go to school and have children at the same time. Yeah it may take them a long time and they miss out on the fun of the 'college experience' but it can be done if you find yourself in that situation.

Don'thave children until you buy a house. This is by far the stupidest rule I have heard regarding the whole baby thing. More renters have babies than home owners. I own and have rented; let me tell you this... purchasing a home is super DUPER vaginally drying. After purchasing our home and realizing how much money it was gonna take to get it the way we wanted it, and taxes, and repairs, and insurance...She-it!.... was enough for my late husband and I to put off having children for a few more years.

So where are my damn children? Here I am... previously married, educated, a home owner, and childless all the while 40 is breathing so heavily on the back of my neck that I can smell what it ate for breakfast. Not a good look. I'm angry. I am exponentially pissed off I'm disappointed that I listened to people and aided them in Building a prison house for me. Yes I call it a prison house, because in prison you give up making your own choices, by your own actions. Your wants aren't honored. I have always wanted children, but I listened to others and what their vision of my life should be now my choices are gone. When was a youngster I wanted at least 9 children. Had there names all picked out and everything. That desire has never passed But the people I respected told me that only ignorant people have that many children. And that Big Mama didn't have a TV back in the olden days and there wasn't anything else to do once it got dark. Okay all jokes aside. I'm upset that I didn't get my heart's desire. And I have to come to grips with that. But don't come at me with that BS current, "Well you can always adopt," or "Not everyone is meant to be a mother." You will get punched in the eye. You better hope I don't have my knife on me. I will shank you. And don't complain that your kids are knocked up either. I am neither your sister or companion in that tribulation.


Friday, December 11, 2009

The Price of Clarity

For a minute I have been humming the last break on Dr Dre's cut "Bitches Ain't Shit" from The Chronic album. Despite how you feel about the misogyny you MUST bare witness that The Chronic is one of the best Hip Hop albums of all time. ALL TIME. If you can't you ain't right and exact with our Koran.

Okay... I have a real bad case of the "Don?t give a fucks." It has been brewing for a minute and I?m not really sure how I caught it. I suppose it has everything to do with my level of dissatisfaction with my life in general and my inability to come up with a solution to make things right. Also there are things that I normally would be worried about, that I have just slapped on the fuck it list. This sounds like a perfect mindset on paper. Unfortunately the flip to that is I'm blocked from pleasant feelings too. All of the little things that used to make me smile and laugh are getting no love from me. I got nothing. It's actually quite frightening. Even though I don't do Christmas, I like this time of year. I like the carols and the television shows. I love the sales. But I just can't garner any excitement for anything. I am scaring my coworkers. That aspect should be amusing, but I'm not enjoying it. I have often suspected that the people I work with, purposefully push my buttons so they can get a rise out of me. Since I don't give a fuck, they push and push and push and all they get from me is nothing. Now they leave me alone; but they don't turn their backs to me. Ironically, it's what I have wanted all along. I never wanted to play in their reindeer games.

Even though the fuck it list is growing, still I find that some emotion is making its way to the surface. Unfortunately it's not the good ones, nor are they coming balanced. Something happened recently and I find a lot of anger is bubbling to the surface like a Coca Cola burp. But it's not being tempered with any Love or compassion or any of the normal neutralizers. I'm still wondering if this is cause for concern. I've not yet decided that. You know why? Yep. It's on the fuck it list.

One true upside I have noticed in being dispassionately unattached to stuff, is that I have a clearer cee on most things. I look in the mirror and can see my face and body, and not what I want to see. I can look at my bank statement and actually see my finances for what they are rather than what I hope they will be. I look at the relationships in my life and timing factors and can see them for the Truth. That has got to be a plus. If only I could get excited to celebrate.

I'm having company this weekend. I'm not cool with everyone that will cross my threshold. But the "I don't give a fucks" don't care. It won't be my intention to pull a Martin Lawrence and through someone out of the front door while screaming, "Get the stepping", but you never know what will develop. Unfortunately the "I don't give a fucks" play no favorites.


Thursday, December 10, 2009

Knowledge Cipher

Today's Supreme Mathematics is Knowledge Cipher abbt Knowledge. I'm drawing it up to mean for me? That I must do the Knowledge to my Cipher, twice. First to gain an awareness of what is actually going on in my Ciphers and secondly, to make Knowledgeable decisions based on that information. Example... I need to do some housework this weekend because I'm having a bit of company on Sunday. The Cipher is my home and the Knowledge is an assessment of what needs to be done. Okay. The list is made. But why is the list as it is? Do I really need to rake outside leaves for an inside meeting? Do I really need to go all out putting on the hog for people who probably not notice the effort? See? Its evaluation and re-evaluation. 10:40 asks who is this mystery god? The answer evaluates and re-evaluates. Not only is there no mystery god, its a waste of time searching for that which does not exist. This reminds me of high school algebra. When I would complete an equation, I would do the proof to show and prove that my answer was right and exact. Yeah it was an extra step that wasn't required, but I was always rewarded with good grades (a button to wear on the lapel of my coat) and the peace of mind (free transportation to Mecca) that my answers were correct. Some folks would say that this is a waste of time. Well I say, that is Knowledge for your own personal Ciphers.