Friday, December 11, 2009

The Price of Clarity

For a minute I have been humming the last break on Dr Dre's cut "Bitches Ain't Shit" from The Chronic album. Despite how you feel about the misogyny you MUST bare witness that The Chronic is one of the best Hip Hop albums of all time. ALL TIME. If you can't you ain't right and exact with our Koran.

Okay... I have a real bad case of the "Don?t give a fucks." It has been brewing for a minute and I?m not really sure how I caught it. I suppose it has everything to do with my level of dissatisfaction with my life in general and my inability to come up with a solution to make things right. Also there are things that I normally would be worried about, that I have just slapped on the fuck it list. This sounds like a perfect mindset on paper. Unfortunately the flip to that is I'm blocked from pleasant feelings too. All of the little things that used to make me smile and laugh are getting no love from me. I got nothing. It's actually quite frightening. Even though I don't do Christmas, I like this time of year. I like the carols and the television shows. I love the sales. But I just can't garner any excitement for anything. I am scaring my coworkers. That aspect should be amusing, but I'm not enjoying it. I have often suspected that the people I work with, purposefully push my buttons so they can get a rise out of me. Since I don't give a fuck, they push and push and push and all they get from me is nothing. Now they leave me alone; but they don't turn their backs to me. Ironically, it's what I have wanted all along. I never wanted to play in their reindeer games.

Even though the fuck it list is growing, still I find that some emotion is making its way to the surface. Unfortunately it's not the good ones, nor are they coming balanced. Something happened recently and I find a lot of anger is bubbling to the surface like a Coca Cola burp. But it's not being tempered with any Love or compassion or any of the normal neutralizers. I'm still wondering if this is cause for concern. I've not yet decided that. You know why? Yep. It's on the fuck it list.

One true upside I have noticed in being dispassionately unattached to stuff, is that I have a clearer cee on most things. I look in the mirror and can see my face and body, and not what I want to see. I can look at my bank statement and actually see my finances for what they are rather than what I hope they will be. I look at the relationships in my life and timing factors and can see them for the Truth. That has got to be a plus. If only I could get excited to celebrate.

I'm having company this weekend. I'm not cool with everyone that will cross my threshold. But the "I don't give a fucks" don't care. It won't be my intention to pull a Martin Lawrence and through someone out of the front door while screaming, "Get the stepping", but you never know what will develop. Unfortunately the "I don't give a fucks" play no favorites.