Monday, December 22, 2008

Love Hell or Right

Maybe it’s because it’s the end of the year and I’m getting reflective. This is going to sound incredibly crazy. Incredibly. I am typing this and still can’t believe that I am saying this. It’s stupid yet causing my soul to explode if I don’t let it out. Here goes….

I really LOVE this Nation!

Okay. You’re probably wondering why I feel this way at this moment. I have been part of this nation for a year now. I should have felt like this at the start. And you’re probably correct. But I can and only will speak for this Earth. New things can be scary.

I guess it’s like when you get a new job. You’re happy for the new opportunity but after a minute you see the inconsistencies within the cipher that you didn’t originally realize when you were honeymooning. Then you get angry and frustrated. Then finally accept it; maybe even find a way to be happy or love it. I have walked through this same process with the 5% Nation of Gods and Earth’s. I was initially excited to rejoin this Nation. Thrilled when I got lessons passed the math. But then I started coming amongst the righteous people. Witnessed inconsistencies. Got angry. Found my lessons hard to memorize and my folks disappeared. Twice. Saw unnecessary infighting. Got conflicting information. Have been lightly insulted. Made and lost friends, etc.

(1) I was studying my lessons the other day and realized that I had the lessons I had been working on. Not a suspicion, but HAD them. That was a comforting feeling. I have not 1’d the 120 yet, but the ones I have, I have and the 3 on them. Feels good.

(2) I looked at myself in the mirror, and thought to myself that I am more attractive (at least to myself) in ¾ than I was in whatever percentage I was rocking prior. And even without makeup, it’s still a good look. I had been previously convinced that I had to maintain a certain standard for acceptance. Make up was supposed to make me more attractive and more polished. Even my old Earth has a lot to say about how I dress now. But her complaints are due to lack of understanding vs. not being presentable. I look good regardless of whether or not I am wearing makeup and I have found creative ways to express myself without exposing myself. And the men still pause.

(3) Lately I have come to the realization that certain men are not going to come around to my way of thinking and lifestyle. That was initially depressing. But then I reconsidered my thoughts in a different light… Does it really matter? Does it matter that individuals whom I have only social equality with agree with something as personal as my point of view? No. On the flip side of the same album, I realize that I have to do what’s right for Serenity, regardless of whom or what. And I refuse to be ashamed to stand righteously on my own square.

I have more understanding in general too. Not just on Nation issues, but life as a whole. I cee things with the clarity of new glasses. I think and consider more from a mathematical perspective. And not that I didn’t have one before KOS, But I have made plans for the righteous future. Shaking off the mystery god was way more difficult for me than for others. The mystery god had been working for me. But with my clearer vision I cee that that was an illusion. A comfortable illusion, but an illusion all the same.

So what’s next for the Queen? I plan to 1 the 120 by the equinox. That is March 20th 2009. I plan to go to the Show and prove in 2009. I plan to add on with a true and living God. I really want to have seeds too in 2009. I have been in the last decade been preparing for how I’m currently living. Though not consciously. I am seizing the best part. I am so excited for what wisdom cipher cipher born will born into Serenity’s cipher, square and universe.

Keep checking for updates!