Wednesday, November 24, 2010

1 + 2 = Friendship?

Peace Good People,

Lately, it's been floating through the atmosphere, the appropriate relationship between men and women. Floating through the atmosphere for all intents and purposes of this writing refers to synchronicity. But I have read more than a few blogs and news articles citing that men and women cannot an should not be platonic friends. I beg to differ.

I am a woman who feels more comfortable in the presence a men. I was raised in a household where there was more testosterone than estrogen. And I am the baby. My brother and uncles used to have to take me on their rounds because my mother worked a lot. And since I am significant younger than the men in my home, they allowed themselves male freedoms around me, thinking that I was too young to understand. I might have been too young to understand, bit not too young to forget. I learned a lot about male mannerisms from the early men in my life and I even managed to internalize lots of it. Now I am told by several people that I have a 'male' response to a lot of stimuli.' I can see that.

Also I notice that when I am surrounded by women, I tend to get annoyed. I recognize women like to sort and analyze feelings, thongs said and unsaid. But I don't. I like to bottom line things so we can move on. I'm not saying that I don't have girly-like tendencies. Precise can bear witness to that fact. But I don't share social equality with any girly-girls. As a matter of fact, most of my female friends are like myself.

Precise often says that men and women can't be friends because eventually the man wants to have sex with the woman and that fouls things up. That's why different culture limit the interactions between men and women. For the woman's safety. The God has no sisters and was socialized in a home with a father (male) a brother (male) and the only lone lady in the house.... Mama. He has also reported that he has never had a long term friendship with a woman that he never had sex with. I can see that.

The issue as I see it is the question of boundaries. Everybody has them male and female. And everyone has to maintain said boundaries, male and female.

I have a dear female friend who is a huge slut. Since she can't fuck me I don't see the problem with being her friend. Folks that know me, know that I'm not a ho. So I don't fall victim to that "ho by association" thing. But do you think I will allow her to come near my man? HELL NO! I never went out on any of the blind dates she ever tried to set me up with either. I never judged he for her whoreishness. She is a grown woman who is cognizant of what she is doing. She loves the Divine I Cee King and I ain't mad at her for it. Boundary = Can't come near my man.

I have a female cousin and also a sister in law who is notoriously bad with money. They have sob stories that will bring tears to you eyes. But they never pay you back. Sometimes they pay you back with a bad check that bounces. I have witnessed both of them stealing and/or shoplifting. They have the money sickness. Yet still I love them. But I won't give either one of them chicks a quarter. Nor will I give it to their babies because they have been trained to beg. Boundary = Lend no money

Yet another of my female friends is a champion on home maintenance. She works 2 jobs, has 5 babies, a husband, and cooks for indigent people in her neighborhood. her home is immaculate with all these people in her home. She is a resource and inspiration for me. But she whines. I can only speak with her in snatches. Boundary = whiner!

Now I'm a do me. My friends no that once I consider them friends I will go all out for them, not including their specific boundary. Seriously, I have lent money, baby sat ill mannered children for weeks at a time, taken and picked folks up from the airport at ridiculous hours of morning. I will do what they need, but.... I won't be shitted on. Dis me one time and your over. I have not a problem saying goodbye to folks and keeping it moving. One of my friends actually had to beg to get back in my good graces, and they weren't all that good. But I was touched by the intensity of how much she wanted to maintain our friendship. Be frigging honest with your intentions. And don't you EVER let me catch you speaking out the other side of you mouth to someone. That won't work out for you at all.

So if I have boundaries with my women friends, why would it be so hard to maintain boundaries with my male friends? Okay, if I know that you would be amenable to tapping my ass, then we won't get into those situations. Doesn't bother me that men imagine themselves screwing me. It's natural. I imagine myself with most men's money and possessions. And I expect a man that I am in the company to protect me... regardless of whom or what. Is that bad? Like I said, it's natural. I have a 20+ year friend that I'm certain would screw me if given an inkling. I have berated him so much in that arena that we can sleep in the bed together and nothing happens. I don't tempt fate by sleeping undressed, though.... BOUNDARIES.

I really believe that women love gay men and seek their friendships because it is a way for them to engage in a friendship with men without worrying about anything. It is the perfect arrangement is it not? I don't want the men they want and if my man wants a gay man he is not the one for me. And most gay men can really fight. Especially if they haven't begun hormones. How is that for protection. Yes, perfection. Bu the polar opposite doesn't work. For some reason, in my observation, straight Original men don't like homosexuality in any incarnation. If a woman is gay, she's not going to have a crap load of male friends. I wonder why this is? A man's reaction to a gay woman is to rape her. That I don't get.

Women who have male friends are not potential whores. And to the men... I know this will be hard for you to accept... but all women don't want you. There are women that look at you AND your possessions and feel nothing. Men with female friends are not all gay. I bear witness that platonic friendships are possible and function between men and women. You just have to maintain your boundaries.



Flying Mermaid said...

Almost all my close friends are straight men and women, and I wouldn't want to have to do without any of them. I've always felt comfortable with men -- in my youth I ONLY wanted to hang with boys, as one of them -- but my close male friends, though plenty manly, are all also deep, can talk deep, and analytically, like women. And my close female friends can't be girly/prissy, either, need to have some street toughness (though straight) -- like you. So yeah, I feel you, and have always been annoyed by the small-mindedness of those who vow men and women can't really be friends.

But my favorite part of this post is your Freudian slip:
"I recognize women like to sort and analyze feelings, THONGS said and unsaid." Heheheheehee!

The Original Wombman said...

Flying Mermaid, that slip made me laugh out loud!!

Serenity, you are so spot on! Every relationship has to have boundaries. Boundaries that are not just suggestions but the hard fast rule!