Monday, July 26, 2010

Yesterday's Mathematics

I would have posted this yesterday... And I menat to. The problem was I didn't have it written yesterday. Oh it was floating all throughout my mental mind yesterday. It didn't float out on my fingers until this morning. Y'all will forgive me of my transgressions, right?

Yesterday's Supreme Mathematics was Wisdom Power all being born to God. Wisdom is the Black woman, Power is the ability to do something and God is the Supreme being who is Allah. I draw up this combination of coordinates to mean... I can do all things through God, which strengthens me.

I am a woman. I can show and prove that, but I won't. (You are going to take that on face value!) I have my own Power. Me writing this is a demonstration of a degree of Power. And I have God in my life. I find that even though I have my own personal Power, and I am capable of wielding said Power. The Power is more focused with a man's influence. It's not unlike how men will go into a mall, full of wonderous and beautiful stores, clutching a circular for socks from Penny's and exit the mall with only socks and not having visited any other store. Shocking I know. Let me explain my Understanding before you think me a doormat....

I grew up as the youngest person in a home that consisted of my mother, brother and two uncles. The uncles came and went. My father was ALWAYS around even though he and my moms ain't feel each other like that. He had keys tot he house and ate dinner with us at least 4 times a week. He chaperoned every class trip for me, he was the one who was going to pick me up from school if I got into a fight or got sick. His office was less than 5 minutes from our home. It was not unusual to come home and find him asleep on the sofa. He was the Black man for me and my brother. He told me once I got grown, that one of his paramours that he was ardently devoted to moved to Detroit and insisted that he follw her. He said he would have, but the fact that he had children in NJ made him stay put. Daddy....

One thing about my father that is different from my mother and most women that I have ever interacted with, and something that I find peculiar to men in general is he was focused. And that focus focused me. I accomplished many of my life's goal by the age of 25. Really. Some pretty big ones. Now I'm not saying that I couldn't have done that on my own, but I wouldn't have been as focused without the men in my life. Daddy accepted no slack or bullshit in his presence. He was playful, but didn't play. When you go around him, you better look good, smell good, and speak well; otherwise you were going to clowned and sent home. If you tried to run game on him or BS him, he would squash it. Quickly. I learned to give him only the facts about a given situation. And wait for him to ask about my feelings. He would...eventually. If he was cool with it, then he would nod his head and say nothing. If your idea was flawed or could be improved, he told you. You always knew where you stood with him. He did that for me until he died. Always the straight shooter.

My brother was serious, but differently than my father. He focused me by making me tough. He would fight me. But he wouldn't let others fight me. And my brother is BIG. That ain't no easy win. No being cute to get out of that. maybe crying would help, but only temporarily. If he knew I was faking, the ass whipping got uglier. He taught me to fight and not show fear.

My uncles focused me in the art of being indulged by men. Oh.... they were easy. Very easy. Now don't get it twisted they didn't molest me. They taught me how to appropriately receive gifts from men. They showed me how I should be treated by men and how to spot bullshit and not to fall victim to it. Players that they were....

My 1st husband was younger and less experienced than my relatives. But he had a way of making me feel protected and provided for. We had goals for our life together. Goals that I would never have set without him.

One of the biggest examples of unfocused-woman-icity is my mother. SMH. If you know me in the physical or read this blog regularly, you know me and that my mother have issues. She is still Mommie, though. Sigh...... That's another build. But I have always said, "I like my mother better when she has a man." Always. And it's not because when she has a man it means she's getting treats. That's nasty and I don't think of my mother like that! She is focused. Less crazy. She is currently 72 years old and has a man who is 78. I'm thinking they not doing "The Sex" (that's what she calls it) because he has a bad ticker and cannot safely take viagra. She has said as much. But she is happy. I watched them interact with this little old man. She started cutting his wisdom and he shut her down. WOOOOOW!!!!!! My mother ain't no punk bitch. Folks don't get to talk to her like that. This man clearly had the big drawers on.

My 1st husband passed away in 2003. My father promptly picked up his reigns and re-took over his position of main focuser for me. He performed his job admirably until his death in 2008. My brother lives in Pennsylvania and my uncles are long dead. I was all by myself weilding my own power. Now I should have been cool, because I have a legacy of lifelong advice from good men to guide me, right? Sort of. I made decent decisions, but they were uncfocused... again. I screwed up my career a little, and I have fallen victim to some credit issues, but nothing life altering.

When I began adding on with the God, I was certain that I already had gotten as good as I was gonna get. But I remember the focusing ability that men posses. It's like salve on a wound.... Noxema on a burn..... Preparation H on a hemorhoid. It's that thing that makes an irritation palatable. On Friday I got some bad and expensive news. I did what I does. I flipped out and got in a bad headspace. But the God correctly pointed out that this was not a punishment, and that this is how grown folks responsibly handle their business. Guess what? I'm focussed again.

I didn't mean this post to be this long. Really I didn't. And this isn't a cheer for all the men in my life past and present. Or me griping that I am a helpless, woe-is-me female. Nor is it a slam on independent females doing their thing as they see fit. It's me explaining why it's good to have a man around the house.