Monday, June 15, 2015

Rest in Power.....


My brother died last month. It came unexpectedly. I didn't know he had been sick. We live in different states, nearly 1000 miles apart. And even though I hadn't heard from him in a minute... that wasn't unusual. We often went months without speaking. We weren't not cool... It's just how we loved each other. One day my mother called and said he was in the hospital the next day he was gone. Let me tell you.... I have not been doing well with this. I have gotten spooked out....

Death of a loved one is the thing that separates the 5% from the 85. When folks die it is so damn hard to accept that that's it. It's hard to let go. It's hard to not to want to blame and/or question a mystery god. I thought I had this down packed after my father's death in 2008. I was newly righteous and when he died I was just like ok. But Daddy had cancer and had been sick a long time. I saw him suffering. He died in a hospice. So I was just waiting on the phone call. Clarence was completely different.

So I went through all the stages of grief.... Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I'm not quite sure if I have fully accepted it. I found myself doing something very 85, 2 weeks ago. But I caught myself. But it was there. Another reason I feel like I haven't fully accepted it is because I'm not out of the depression phase yet. This sadness is palpable.

I realized that it had been awhile since I traveled from Knowledge to Pluto so I decided to get back to the basics. What caught my eye is, “...When a man dies dies, he does not come back...” and “... there is no mystery god....” Who said 120 can't bring comfort.

I said this earlier in the build, death is a defining moment for 5%ers. We have to walk into death with an acceptance level that religious people don't have. We don't pray to mystery god for comfort. There are no masses or services said for us. No songs sung. No easy afterlife to look forward too. Dead means gone. I've witnessed other Gods return, and the people around them were acting more than grief stricken.

When I 1st found out, I said to the God, “Well he's with Daddy.” And the God said gently... yet firmly... “No he's not. He's dead, baby. They both are.” Yes it was harsh... but necessary. I'm an Earth not a xian. That doesn't mean be savage and act like I'm unaffected, but it does mean that I have to be clear on what has happened. Clarence existed and now he's gone. And we all have to go eventually. Death wins every time.. and by knockouts not decisions.

I know as I have always known (just because I grieve doesn't mean I've lost my faculties) that last time I will see my brother physically... was right before they closed his coffin. I will never see him again. He's dead and not coming back. He's not chilling with other dead people on a cloud having a drink and playing the harp. And when I dream about him or think about him, that's just me and my imagination. He's gone and not coming back.

Study your lessons.